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I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak. Babe Ruth Yankees Jersey . I gave him my hard sell. Cmon, buddy. Cmon, Sweet Lu. Our All Star-shortstop Jose Reyes, finally healthy, literally leads off the season by taking his first at bat, popping out, then proceeding to walk off the field and on to the disabled list. Maybe hes out for two weeks, maybe four months, maybe hes taking up painting. The team, left with a defence only Abbott and Costello could love, is even more desperate than when it was just known for jettisoning its best young talent for knuckleballers pushing 40 - he stopped me right there. He smiled deep and wide, his horns dewy with anticipation. He was ready to make a deal.Fine, I said. I will bypass my desires for fame or fortune or a game of wall ball with Lloyd Moseby and put my deal making skills to work for our boys in royal blue. So, fellow fan, you are welcome. Allow me to outline the exact details of how this season is going to go down (as hashed out between me and Mr. Three Prong, Son of Perdition).(Disclaimer: if you are planning to use this remarkably accurate information for gambling, I urge you to keep investing that extra money into lotto scratchers, lest we have a Back To The Future situation on our hands. APRIL (14-13 record, .519)The Jays whimper out of the gate, getting crushed on Opening Day, then lose 7 of 10, doing a bang-on impersonation of the mediocre team we thought they were. Thats when the cauldron bubbles and the thick smoke rolls in and the creepy carnival comes to town. What happens specifically? Maybe the entire Red Sox roster contracts syphilis. Maybe Derek Jeter becomes a clubhouse cancer in his final diva-tirade-filled season. Maybe Camden Yards becomes Marlo Stanfield turf. Maybe Tampa Bay management decides the empty cavern they play in would be better monetized by jai alai tournaments. Listen, I dont ask El Diablo how he gets stuff done, I just sit back and enjoy the results which Im assured come with no consequences. MAY (31-26, .544)Little known fact about devil-dealing: May is Buy One, Get One Free Month! Thats across the board, whether youre looking for life extension or to unravel the happiness of a sworn enemy. Why not do both?Truly, Beelzebub has little to do with the Blue Jay surge of May. The team plays a whopping 18 games at home, and with the city still suffering from an endless winter, the Rogers Centre roof is only opened once all month, a paralyzing condition visiting teams cannot physically handle (the technical term is "depression"). (Sidenote: I apologize for not asking The Crimson Sausage, Enemy Of Christ to improve the weather. The Cable Box on Blue Jay Way is the Bikram Yoga studio of stadiums.*) (*Bikram yoga is also known as hot yoga.**) (**Hot yoga is a thing you do when you are a 22-year-old girl or a thing you do when you are trying to impress a 22-year-old girl).JUNE (48-36, .571)Until mid-June, the league hadnt noticed the Jays ascension to the ranks of the privileged, largely because after twenty years spent ignoring someone, it is perfectly understandable that you might mistakenly walk past them in the hall and fail to notice the shotgun they are holding. But the Jays had now arrived, and their demands were going to be met, even if Barb in accounting didnt know their goddamn name. Josh Thole was gonna make sure you remember.We gotta give props to The Author Of All Sin, because he works the impossible this month. Jose Reyes is back in the lineup in time for his birthday (June 11) and his bobblehead day (June 8 for those fair weather fans planning to attend). To think, how many nasty critics said meaningful baseball would never be played in Toronto again in July?JULY (62-48, .564)With just a paltry nine home games on tap, our Blue Man Group must do their damage on the road, visiting Tampa Bay, New York and Boston. In a month-long celebration of Canada Day, our national baseball representatives do just that, proving Canadians to be fearless and capable. (Flipside: After witnessing the condition of our departing players hotel rooms, it is clear we Canucks may lack some respect for the environment. I believe the players call it, "doing it Harper-style").The All-Star break falls in July, an annual tradition typically partaken by Jose Bautista and a middle reliever nobody knew was on the team. 2014 proves to be no different despite being a dozen games over .500 at the break. Respect will have to be earned. FYI, did you wanna know who wins this years All-Star game, giving their respective League home field advantage in the World Series? Answer: NOBODY. Nobody [expletive] wins with a rule that stupid.AUGUST (79-57, .581)On August 11, Colby Rasmus turns 28. That same day, Melky Cabrera turns 30. The Prince Of Darkness promises me these achievements will be met and hes been totally standup so far.Playing every division rival at home this month, The Descendants of Alfredo Griffin enjoy their greatest month this century, forcing Vegas to recognize them as a team and set World Series odds. They are given 60-1 chances, though in metric it works out to a more sensible 18-1.(For those of you uncomfortable with how fashioned this season is by Oh Wicked One, Im not saying you have to worship the Father Of All Lies, Founder Of Murder. Im just saying, if youre a ball fan, you should probably send him a card. Maybe bath salts. Nothing fancy).SEPTEMBER (93-69, .574)A peculiar month of scheduling down the home stretch. Sensibly, the Jays visit every division rivals park. Oddly, they play the Chicago Cubs for an unknown reason my sources tell me may have involved money and bad judgement.2014 ends in a dog fight -- a climax of tension and emotion and games that are still a little too long -- all in the service of the Jays holding on for their first playoff appearance ever (in the lives of the children whose aging fathers drag them to the games). We did it! Were number 4 or 5!And there you have it: 93 wins. 1 wild card spot. 0 logical discrepancies. Is it getting hot in here?Gallays Poll #5Lets say we dont know what we know. With how many wins doth the Blue Jays finish?A) <70 -- I am familiar with the team. The win total will be commensurate with the talent level.B) 70-81 -- I dont pay much attention to the baseballs but have read a few headlines.C) 82-89 -- I rarely hear about the Jays anymore. Is Kelly Gruber still with the team?D) 90+ -- I dont understand how baseball works. Mariano Rivera Jersey .com) - Ben Lovejoy tallied a goal and an assist as the Anaheim Ducks cruised into the All-Star break with a 6-3 victory against the Calgary Flames. Andy Pettitte Jersey . - John Elways philosophy is to address immediate needs in free agency, even though some of his own veterans may prove too pricey to keep around. http://www.yankeesauthorityshop.com/Carlos-Beltran-Jersey/ . Doug Fister allowed two runs over seven innings and Washington hit three solo homers in a 6-2 victory over the Baltimore Orioles on Wednesday night.ANAHEIM, Calif. - Matt Beleskey was a pugnacious grinder for most of his NHL career until this season, when he has surprised just about everybody by becoming the Anaheim Ducks leading goal-scorer.The Ducks needed every bit of Beleskeys newfound scoring touch to edge Martin Brodeur and the St. Louis Blues.Beleskey scored the tiebreaking goal midway through the third period, while Ryan Kesler and Sami Vatanen had two assists in the Ducks 4-3 victory Friday night.After St. Louis rallied three times to erase a one-goal Anaheim lead in the first two periods, Beleskey beat Brodeur with a vicious wrist shot for his 16th goal with 9:05 to play. The NHL-leading Ducks hung on for their ninth consecutive home victory over St. Louis since October 2009.He stopped me a few times early, said Beleskey, who had a goal and an assist in his second multipoint game of the year. Luckily, I got that one through. I tried his glove a couple of times tonight, and he baits you with the glove. But Ive scored on his blocker side before.Beleskey credits his surge to confidence and Kesler, his centre on Anaheims second line.Hes always had a tremendous shot and release, and hes never had confidence, Anaheim coach Bruce Boudreau said. Its just his natural maturation, his growth.Ryan Getzlaf, Kyle Palmieri and Andrew Cogliano also scored for the Ducks, who are 2-1 on their eight-game homestand. They won a game by one goal for the 16th time in their last 18 victories.Were used to this situation, and we know what we have to do in the third period, Boudreau said.Frederik Andersen made 39 saves to earn his 41st career victory — just 650 fewer than Brodeur.Kevin Shattenkirk and Alexander Steen each had a goal and an assist for the Blues, who have lost six of seven despite a lively effort in Anaheim.Tonight, we took a step forward despite the loss, St. Louis coach Ken Hitchcock said. I still think that we were better as a team this game. ... We did a good job putting pucks in their zone and establishing our game. Matt Holliday Jersey. We just have to find that goal in the third that puts us ahead.Brodeur stopped 29 shots and was impressive for long stretches in what could conceivably be his final start for the Blues. The NHLs career victories leader joined St. Louis and played his way into shape while Brian Elliott was out with an injury, but the Blues have three goalies after Elliott returned this week.Brodeur was in solid form, even stacking his pads for a couple of saves with a move that looked a little bit like the old Marty there, he said with a grin.I thought we had a great effort and we scored three goals, but I think on the defensive side of the puck, we made a few mistakes that they capitalized on, Brodeur added. Theyre a good hockey team. You just cant give up anything for free, and we did today.Getzlaf backhanded home his first power-play goal since Nov. 7 in the opening minutes, ending an 0-for-21 power-play drought for Anaheim.After T.J. Oshie tied it, Anaheim went back ahead when Kesler put the puck on net despite being on his knees with his back to Brodeur, allowing Palmieri to tip it home.After Cogliano scored his second goal since Nov. 20, Steen tied it again during a 5-on-3 advantage after Vatanen shot the puck 190 feet over the far glass. Steen finished with 11 shots.Colin Fraser made his debut for the Blues, who signed the three-time Stanley Cup champion as a free agent before the season. The grinding forward spent the past three seasons with the Los Angeles Kings, getting a championship ring and a playoff share even though he didnt appear in any post-season games last spring.NOTES: Palmieri returned to Anaheims lineup after a six-game absence with a shoulder injury. ... St. Louis F Jaden Schwartz missed his seventh straight game with an injury, but participated in the morning skate. He could return Saturday at San Jose. ... Beleskey got his 100th NHL point on Palmieris goal. 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